Freedom

Posted on by Priyal

It’s a strange term, this.

Freedom sometimes feels like choosing selfishness. The ability and the support to do what you want is rare and those who do, cherish it.

But what makes people literally leave everything behind and leave? What is that one thing which makes the person say “Fuck this shit. Im off”

How does one detach from those who love him to do what he loves? Yes, those who love you understand you, but it’s not as if they are unhurt. There will never be anything which one can do, which won’t have repercussions on another’s life. We are an interconnected species. The bonds of love make us stronger, they make us suffer because we will never truly be able to break them and they induce guilt if we do. Love is that one strange emotion that can heal and destroy at the same time.

Take for example, Imtiaz Ali’s Highway. Veera breaks away from the shackles of Delhi society and creates her own world exactly the way she wants. There is no screentime given to the family or her fiancee. They are noticibly one-dimensional which works for the film.

Its difficult to believe personal freedom does not induce guilt. I don’t abhor it nor do I preach it – each to his own. What is fascinating is what makes those who take the plunge, actually jump from the cliff instead of many who stare in the abyss for most of their life.

Do what you love. Make your own path. Choose the lesser known route. Everything in pop culture and society urge you to choose freedom – none really give importance to the feelings of the person around. Most movies about personal freedom ends with the person succeeding in a certain something and their detractors understand and acknowledge. What if it really isn’t about success – just walking away? Would these people then stand by you and still understand? How would you once you do take the step, remain unaffected by the guilt?

I meander a lot within this post but I am still yet to find the answer. Hats off if you have.

Emotional Blanks

Posted on by Priyal

There is reaction, there is over reaction, there is offensive and there is exhaustion.

Recently many interactions of mine are the result of last type. I ignore people I can’t stand because fighting is so much effort. I have stopped trying to be socially correct. A lot of people call this attitude, many praise saying good you are honest, some call me selfish.

What I find incredible is it wasn’t planned. It was pretty much waking up one morning and realizing you don’t care about a lot of things and people anymore. Your passive reactions are met with confusion at first. Is this what you call maturity? I just call it too lazy to emote.

There is something very liberating knowing you can easily spend a day by yourself and be happy – since when did people become such an effort.

I will end this pointless post with this last thought. What if you stopped loving someone because you realize you cannot keep giving in so much emotional mindspace? Has anyone ended a relationship because of the toll it took on their heads?

As someone who has always been quite reactive about people’s behavior, its just so peaceful to finally blank out emotions

The Santa Claus of Human Motivation

Posted on by Priyal

Let me tell you a little secret – Inner beauty is the Santa Claus of motivation. It doesn’t exist.

Women spend their entire lives believing in alien concept which is supposed to bring them happiness. But the truth is it never existed. It was created by this world to soften a universal truth – no place for imperfect women.

As soon as she hits puberty, a girl is made aware of the physical appearance. Hair removal, exercise, diets – important but come with an underlying truth – get pretty, quick. 

Its funny. Really. This same girl grows up in a magical world full of so many wonderful things to see and learn. She grows up strong, smart, well-mannered and fun. She learns through experience and media-fuelled campaigns that one must give a chance beyond the superficial. Beauty never lasts. Indeed, a real friend or companion sees you at your ugliest and you at theirs.

But then suddenly she’s thrown into a world where she is a commodity judged solely on the exterior. The height and the weight and the hair and the skin. Nobody honestly cares that she can speak five languages. That she takes one Youtube video tutorial to master a meal. That she is content buried in a book as well as in her lover’s arms. That she will never leave a man’s side because she knows, everyone grows old and slightly mad. She has learnt never to judge a book by its cover. What she didn’t know is, the opposite sex was never taught that. 

This is not a vendetta against the men. We love you, need you and want you always. What we simply find it bewildering is this insistence you have of having a certain kind of looks on a woman. Indeed there are some of you who are wonderful and we give you credit when due. However your brothers still treat us this way, and that’s an ugly fact. 

Why is it so difficult to realise the temporary nature of beauty? Here’s a thought – If something can be created by expensive surgeries today, it can’t possibly be that valuable, can it? When you are 60 and unable to walk, beauty is not going to make your days happier. 

There is unfortunately no revolution which will bring this change. This girl will stop being confused and hurt. She will accept things, be herself and continue living, eventually finding her happiness with what or whom she decides.

Ladies, tell yourself one thing: once they read some more, they will realise – the cover is the least interesting part of any book.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Review: Paperback Dreams by Rahul Saini

Posted on by Priyal

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After the flux of Chetan Bhagat inspired Indian thrash pop fiction and the lack of a great Indian story, there finally came an interesting plot – the lives of publishers and authors. Rahul’s book promised to be a look into perhaps the seedy underbelly or rather the murky dealings of royalties over a few thousand words.

Sadly the book starts rather disappointingly. While simplification seems as a necessary element to some of the newer Indian authors, within the first 30 pages you realise the author uses a textbook explanation to publishing. What could have been a fresh insight through the eyes of three protagonists’ lands up merely serving as an insult to the average Indian IQ.

All three – Jeet, Rohit and Karun are characters who are pretty two dimensional. Jeet’s story track is the most absurd yet compelling and entertaining. His motives for his actions make him quite endearing by the end. While Karun’s narrative does have childish thus amusing strokes, you honestly have no idea why Rohit is present except serve a pre-decided socialist template of the ‘good guy who refuses to give up the morals for the monies.’

While the book deserves credit for an interesting plotline, it barely does anything to sustain audience interest till the end. This is a one-time read which you can keep aside for a train ride – however don’t expect to remember much of it within a day

You can buy the book here on Flipkart: http://bit.ly/1fCfdSr 

 

13 things I learnt in 2013

Posted on by Priyal

(And cliched titles clearly wasn’t one of them)

Generic thought some may sound, these are a few things I learnt this crazy year. 

1. Let Go

Apart from an incredible musical contribution, this Frou Frou line is indeed the greatest way to mental peace. Letting go is not the same as forgetting – it is rather accepting what has happened and knowing you have to go through it. Letting go is sadly not a magical momentary process. Much confusion, shock and sadness precedes it – one has to go through a myriad of emotions before immersing the ashes of that dream you once had. 

Recognise when things are no more in your control. The more you try to hold on to an idea, a dream or a person the more they all slip. Learn to let go with grace and dignity – drama only entertains the bystanders. Learn that there is some reason somewhere which will reveal itself – even though you sure as hell can’t see it now. Forgive them not for them, for your own peace of mind.

 

2. Love those who loved you when you were no one

Your parents, your childhood friends, that office buddy who still remains your sounding board after all these years. They loved you then, they will love you now. They have seen minus the layers of stress, zero sleep and terrible mood swings. You aren’t an aftereffect of success or failure for them. Next time shit hits the roof, you can call a 100 for advice but just them for a hug. 

 

3. Recognise your comfort food

What makes you happy? Is it a walk? Is it sleep? Or a cup of chai? Make a list of 10 things which make you happy and keep it handy. Next time when your boss yells, refer to it and do the one convenient 

 

4. Nice people are not always nice in relationships

There is an understanding that for many people, their professional and personal behaviour is different – and this is considered healthy to an extent. However just because he is incredibly sweet and kind and generous is not a guarantee that he will make a good boyfriend. Past baggage, natural temperament and circumstances change the best of us. Next time, don’t date someone just because he is nice all – around. See how good he is with you

 

5. You do not need people

Pick selected persons and make sure you are always there. Define boundaries with each person you meet. Do not be rigid but draw the line when needed. Just because that cute colleague keeps talking to you, does not put him in best friend category. You do not need people, you need a few good close persons. Cut the clutter, cut the drama, focus on who is important. 

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Watch a whirling dervish. Learn how to let go

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6. No one will ever give a shit about you more than yourself 

Yup. True. Accept. Act on it. Be selfish. Hug yourself. Fight your own demons. No one will understand you more than yourself. Simply because they are not you. 

 

7. Record.

Write. Take pictures. Shoot stupid videos. Preserve your current self. There is something wonderful about reading your 14-year-old scrawling. 

 

8. Your heart is not a charity

Love demanding love. We are not souls from eternal love stories. Don’t love them if they won’t hold your hand in public. Don’t love them if they don’t include you in their world. If they break your heart, pick up the pieces, button up your dignity and walk away. 

Most importantly love the person who takes a stand for you. All every girl wants with love is a man who is proud to have her on his side. Do not settle for anything else. You will give him your all if he does so, so why compromise? 

 

9. Clean 

Start with cleaning your room. That drawer with weird knickknacks which you do not recognise anymore. Then pay attention to your body. Eat well, exercise in whatever form – you do not want to be that old woman bed ridden because she didn’t take care of herself and is now dependant on her silly children. Then clean your mind. Instinctively know when your thoughts are rubbish. If you have a lover, immediately think of him. If not think of pending work, always sparks the right kind of fear

 

10. See the world 

Never say no to travel. New experiences brings in new people and new cultures. The adjustment you make with them will help you for the rest of your life. 

 

11. Stop advising unless asked

Everyone is an adult with atleast average intelligence. Sometime we just need someone to hear us and give us a hug and say it will be ok. Spare your opinion and judgement. No one appreciates a judgemental person who forces his thought on people

 

12. Shut up and work

I learnt this from family. The solution to everything is one – work. Whatever it is, immerse yourself. It has been my greatest healer. An idle mind is a destructive mind. Stay busy, everything else will hurt less

 

13 Wake Up and Fight

Open your eyes. Wipe away those tears. Go work. Love. Be happy. Be angry. Fight. Take a day at a time. Repeat

 

2013 for me has been pretty shitty overall but I can say one thing confidently – this is the year I grew up and recognised priorities. Many dreams were shattered. Here’s hoping 2014 brings a new one 🙂

PS: 14. (Well why not)

Since I was 13 I believe when you are right, you will be taken care off. Till today I do so and I always will. Believe in karma. If you were a dick, you will pay the price eventually. Make sure your conscience stays clear. Don’t wish evil upon others. Mind your actions and someday this strange world will make some sense.

 

 

 

 

 

I Probably Love You

Posted on by Priyal

I love you. I probably don’t love you the way others have loved their men and women. They expected things from them, got them or somewhat of them in return. Or they loved with no expectation and wrote melancholic beautiful poetry, blogposts and drew bestselling art. Or just drank themselves to death. 

I love you. I probably don’t love you like I loved my other men. They lied, cheated and deceived me. I lied, cheated and deceived myself. The other men came and left. I wept and cried and tried to be strong which lasted for four hours till I saw their pictures on my Facebook timeline. I indeed loved them. I expected them to change and I expected my fate to change to accommodate them a little while longer. Of course it didn’t. I kicked and screamed but eventually was silenced by this noiseless reality which one day I realised I had accepted. They were good people, some terrible people. I wish some of them well. 

I love you. I probably love you the way my mother loves my father. Thats the best and the strongest example of love around me. Its my story of hope. She waited all those years. He indeed loved her back but hurt her in little ways he didn’t understand. Eventually it changed. Today it is 50 glorious years of love, peace and joy.

I love you. I probably love you because of the person I didn’t know but was before this current you emerged. I probably love you because I see a future you who isn’t bitter. I probably love you because when you slept next to me, I felt my world was complete. If there was ever a moment I wished to die, it was then. I wanted my last memory to be of you at peace next to me. 

I love you. I probably love you because I will do things for you I would never agree to do otherwise. Throw away the alcohol, wear clothes which cover my legs and come home at a fixed hour. I probably love you because I would consider giving birth to something whose poop I would have to clean four times a day. I probably love you because I would actually learn to cook for you so that I can pack your lunch everyday. I probably love you because I know the only thing which would make me give up on everything I love with a smile is you. 

I love you, I probably love you because you are who I wish good night to each night since a very long time. I probably love you because I have a museum of little memories in my head of the time we have spent together and the talks we have had. 

I love you. I probably love you because inspite of you hurting, yelling, taunting and at times ignoring me I would come running to you if anything happened. I probably love you because I want to shield you from this world and not allow it to harm you and do you no further injustice. I probably love you because if there is anyone who has challenged me to let go of self respect and other ideals just to have a momentary kiss from you, it is you. 

I love you. I probably love you despite the foresight of you one day holding hands with some beautiful girl who won’t be me. I probably love you despite you not giving me just 30 minutes of your undivided attention. I probably love you despite my heart being tormented each time you talk about other women. I probably love you despite you never making love to me. 

I love you knowing you don’t love me. Someday I will love someone else. Till then Ill probably just try not loving you. 

What next?

Posted on by Priyal

I really would like to believe no one will or ought to feel like this but the reality is in everyone’s life, there is this one time when they realise who they are. Films, books and popular culture celebrate this awakening of self in many great stories. But rarely to people celebrate what happens after. What if you realise who you are and realise oh shit, this is really ugly. What if who you are is a vast difference from what who you thought you would be. Confining to society’s version of an ideal person is convoluted  But that realisation that I am not who I thought I would turn out to be at 26, bewilders and eventually terrifies you. 

You are your judge and you worst critic. Why am I like this? Why has this not happened to me yet? Why do I have these mounds of fat? Why is all my hair grey? Why have I not found one right member of the opposite sex and not taken those seven circles around the marriage pyre? These are questions your society will ask you. But that is far less harmful than the time you begin asking your self that.

As people turn older, everyone is their own mess. This is not saying everyone is below you but you can see everyone has their own demons. As a child you were afraid to sleep because of nightmares. Now you are afraid to stay up because of the monsters around you when you are awake. These monsters are mostly within you, never cease to leave you alone completely.

The fight to be you is one you fight with the world. The fight that this is you is something you are at war with every second of your life within yourself. Those who have what you desire have their own problems whether you know of them or not, but their problems look better than yours. You go through phases where you trap yourself in the corner of your room screaming and crying saying I will be anyone except me, please take me away. 

After a long war, there is a low point you touch called hopelessness. You give up. You realise this is who you are and endless crying and cursing will never change that. I do understand somethings can change, but you realise there is something which is inherently you which you just can’t. What happens after?

Do you forgive yourself, hug you and tell yourself, “it is ok, you are who you are and I will eventually learn to love you”? Do you just give up and hurl yourself of a building? Do you hope and pray that you can’t bring yourself to like you but maybe someone else will someday? 

Life really didn’t turn out the way you thought it would. Everyone else seems to get what you wanted for yourself. You are left completely confused because nothing around you went as planned. Do you still plan? Do you let it be? Do you still cry? Do you talk? 

What does one do?

Learning “Love”

Posted on by Priyal

I had been in love before. It was a long time ago. 

I thought I knew what love was. Or rather what has constantly been described to me. But recent events have taught me something, I have forgotten what love is.

Love is not having a constant companions so that your Saturday nights are less boring

Love is not thinking about the person all the time

Love is not giving up on sound logic

Love is not having someone to constantly text

Love is not an unlimited channel of compliments 

Love is not spreading your legs and getting over it

Love is not giving up sound logic

 

 

Love is being with yourself. And being happy

Love is that disconnect from the din and finding that peace on a Monday

Love is knowing even without or with a few friends you will be happy 

Love is knowing when the right person comes along, you will be willing to change your priorities and you would be happy to do so 

Love is mutual respect and acceptance over passion and butterflies

 

Its time I learn Love. Again 

 

 

Delusion

Posted on by Priyal

(Kinda v v low. Just pouring out heart here)

You are not around. You were never around. Frankly you never will be.

You know I will do it. Leave the world for you. Leave things I love to take care of you. You choose to deny it.

Brickbats, raised voices, abuses and ridicule is all I have ever received.

Tender words fail you, comforting actions are amiss and an appreciative glance doesn’t watch me either

Yet Im a fool. An all-knowing fool willing to bear this with only one emotion – hope.

Hope of a new world. Hope of love. Hope of us. Together.

You scorn it. You mock it. I sigh. I smile. I believe even more.

They all call me delusional

What they don’t know is that this will be the only emotion you will allow me to feel about you

Hope is all I have where us is the truth

Sometimes a delusion is what is separating me from letting myself go in a dark deep hole

You are probably a lier, certainly a manipulator and definitely the most self-obsessed man I know

In my eyes, you are a lover – hurt but hopeful, selfish but passionate.

In your eyes, Im worthless, replaceable and not required

What imbalance is this? Pity it will never change.

(Anyone reading this, hug the screen or just Like the post. I could do with some comfort in my life)