I love you. I probably don’t love you the way others have loved their men and women. They expected things from them, got them or somewhat of them in return. Or they loved with no expectation and wrote melancholic beautiful poetry, blogposts and drew bestselling art. Or just drank themselves to death.
I love you. I probably don’t love you like I loved my other men. They lied, cheated and deceived me. I lied, cheated and deceived myself. The other men came and left. I wept and cried and tried to be strong which lasted for four hours till I saw their pictures on my Facebook timeline. I indeed loved them. I expected them to change and I expected my fate to change to accommodate them a little while longer. Of course it didn’t. I kicked and screamed but eventually was silenced by this noiseless reality which one day I realised I had accepted. They were good people, some terrible people. I wish some of them well.
I love you. I probably love you the way my mother loves my father. Thats the best and the strongest example of love around me. Its my story of hope. She waited all those years. He indeed loved her back but hurt her in little ways he didn’t understand. Eventually it changed. Today it is 50 glorious years of love, peace and joy.
I love you. I probably love you because of the person I didn’t know but was before this current you emerged. I probably love you because I see a future you who isn’t bitter. I probably love you because when you slept next to me, I felt my world was complete. If there was ever a moment I wished to die, it was then. I wanted my last memory to be of you at peace next to me.
I love you. I probably love you because I will do things for you I would never agree to do otherwise. Throw away the alcohol, wear clothes which cover my legs and come home at a fixed hour. I probably love you because I would consider giving birth to something whose poop I would have to clean four times a day. I probably love you because I would actually learn to cook for you so that I can pack your lunch everyday. I probably love you because I know the only thing which would make me give up on everything I love with a smile is you.
I love you, I probably love you because you are who I wish good night to each night since a very long time. I probably love you because I have a museum of little memories in my head of the time we have spent together and the talks we have had.
I love you. I probably love you because inspite of you hurting, yelling, taunting and at times ignoring me I would come running to you if anything happened. I probably love you because I want to shield you from this world and not allow it to harm you and do you no further injustice. I probably love you because if there is anyone who has challenged me to let go of self respect and other ideals just to have a momentary kiss from you, it is you.
I love you. I probably love you despite the foresight of you one day holding hands with some beautiful girl who won’t be me. I probably love you despite you not giving me just 30 minutes of your undivided attention. I probably love you despite my heart being tormented each time you talk about other women. I probably love you despite you never making love to me.
I love you knowing you don’t love me. Someday I will love someone else. Till then Ill probably just try not loving you.