Separation
Why does it all feel like an end?
I don’t want it to end. Please stop pushing me away from you. We were all in this together. There was nothing then there is everything now. Why are we stopping now?
Words
Today I don’t have words. Today I have only tears.
Tears for a childhood learning proven wrong
Today is no week’s beginning. Today is a lifetime’s ending
Tears for believing the world is a good place
Today is no intimacy. Today is hesitating to open your heart out
Tears for a heart broken too many times
Today is a conclusion. A cruel one. A real one
Tears for a new world full of joy, hope and evil
Unlock that casket
How many times have you stared at a blank paper twirlng your a pen over your fingers? How many times have you stared at a blank word doc on yor computer and wondered which key to press next
I am rather hesistant to write on this purely to protect identity. But I will because I need to let it out.
When you are in front of me, My mind explodes to an infinite number of possibilities. With none ever turning to be real I turn stagnant. My heart clenches tight. I try to not cry but through that fake smile one can see. I try not to choke while you talk to me about your women.
Each time, a mention is a stab on my ego. Each time, I look into your eyes to find me. I find contempt. I show my vulnerability only to be repeatedly patronised.
You have locked us up in a casket a very long time ago. You have come back. You would not have us again.
I have no mental space nor strength to ask you to look at me. I fight my own internal battles. I am too weary by the end
This cycle never ends
Hypocrisy
It has been the best of times, it has been the worst of times. Now all one can hope is this time is content
I had a lovely chat with a friend today about love and sex. Why is all forgiven in love and why is all apologetic when it comes to sex.
Why is all right to be wrong in love but all wrong to be right on of your intentions for sex?
This social hypocrisy has been an age old story. There are three ways to counter this. The first one is to bow to submission and act as deemed appropriate. The second is not give two hoots and continue. And the third is simply, keep one’s mouth shut and continue with one’s business.
The first is cowardly, the second ideal and the third is what the world has resorted to. The third is what works for most people around.
Personally I have been conflicted all my life between the first and second. It took me a long time to figure the third.
I need to master this. It is excruciatingly painful to not say what is on your mind. But someday I will figure my own way.
Till then, you keep judging me. Go ahead. Asshole
Overreaction
I spent the last week at a close school friend’s wedding. Its been 10 years since school and I am very glad she found her man. We are five girls in all, each who I love, care and can die for without thinking once.
For this wedding, I just decided to switch off from work. For someone like me, it was a big deal. A big fucking deal. Simply because before this, I have been completely unable to. The sheer joy to find that was unparelled. Because switching on is an emotion which can save us all from insanity.
I have always been accused of overreacting. In fact got a rather severe scolding from the boss today on it. Here is the similar thing with overreaction and dreams – after 20 minutes neither makes much sense. You wonder where that came for, why did you think that way and how you can stop doing so. The problem with overreaction is that the human world is way too sensitive. These 4 girls I mentioned in the beginning, probably would come closest to anyone who can take my crap without blinking an eyelid. But there are many obvious cracks which there is no one to blame for.
One of the best cures for overreaction is switching on. Switch on that comfort part of you which takes you to a world in your subconsious which keeps you safe. It is this state of your mind where you are alone and happy. You are at peace.
The bride did not cry a teardrop after she was married unlike tradition. We asked her how could she manage that. Her answer was, “When I feel sad, I think of Roger Federer and Federer does not cry.”
I need my Federer. I need my happy space. Strangely I have come closer to it with listening to Dubstep. As a wise man told me today, stop overreacting for everything and have faith. I have faith that I feel soon train my mind to find its place. One more step to controlling reactions.
Cynicism
When did we get like this?
When did expression become an impossibility?
I am 24 yet feel 13. That first learning then on adulthood. How to behave. What is maturity. Say this and never say that. They spend their entire lives teaching you to tell the truth. When you do and take joy in it, they tell you to lie.
Lie Priyal Lie. Lie about the way you feel. Lie when you want to hold him. Lie when you want cradl e his head in your palms to comfort him. Lie when all you want to do is look into his eyes and say you care for him. Lie because he will think you love him. Of course you do, but the love he interprets can only be that one cliched kind. Lie otherwise he will block you, create a wall and never give you another chance.
Lie Priyal Lie. Lie about the way you feel. Lie when you want to hug her. Lie when she cries to you. Lie when you want to push her away and hope to God she self-destructs so don’t have to see her. Lie and tell her she is awesome. Lie for your friends to see. Lie and smile and grin. Otherwise, she will successfully portray you as dysfunctional, unemotional and make sure they all stay away from you.
What if we had a world where we told each other what we felt? From our hearts?
What if we took it all at face value?
What if we didn’t have an in-built cynism filter?
I pray for this world I dream off. I know its in vain. But I will not stop hoping.
